Tinder is awesome. I downloaded it a week ago and it’s quickly become an obsession of mine (yes, I’m late to the game). It’s hard not to go on a power trip as you swipe left after left on people. I can feel my brain release tons of dopamine when I match with a cutie. It no longer has the connotation of creepy people just doing creepy things together (though you can find that if you’re into it—no judgment). You can even set the distance range as small as Brown’s campus and, in my opinion, there’s something very comforting about talking to a stranger on Tinder who also attends Brown.
Therefore, my newly Tinder-obsessed mind jumped straight to a Tinder-themed post for this week: what do you do when one of your matches on Tinder says something to you that catches you completely off guard?
What to say when… someone says something ridiculous but also sexual to you, such as:
I would respond with something equally absurd like: “Yeah, I could really go for half of a baby right now,” or “Yes, please tell me—I hope you involve pepperoni somehow.”
What to say when… someone is using a question to blatantly mess with you:
Do not legitimately answer these questions! Respond to them with another question, preferably one that shows that you can fuck with them right back, such as, “Did you know that I can run faster than a truck?” or “There are 359 days in the year, right?”
What to say when… someone tries to meet up with you too soon:
Though the above message is quite an extreme example of this phenomenon, people do try to meet up with you before you’re ready or even before you’re sure that you’re interested in them. If this happens to you and you don’t want to ever meet up with them, just don’t respond. If an anonymous dating app isn’t the place to just flat-out avoid awkward conversations, I don’t know what is. But if you think you might eventually want to meet up with them, just say you’d like to get to know them a bit more before meeting them!
What to say when…someone sends you a “would you rather” or a “fuck marry kill”:
First off, I have to point out that this might be the worst “would you rather” I’ve ever seen. Who wouldn’t want to have an orgasm every time they see a waffle!? That sounds GREAT, although you might have to avoid the V-Dub. Little games like these are a weirdly common way for people to start conversations on Tinder (I’ve gotten three in one week) and I would just respond honestly. Props if you can send them back a “would you rather/fuck marry kill” that is even better than theirs.
What to say when… you’re being messed with:
Despite containing stellar references to a cliche 90s movie and Spongebob, these two conversations are perfect examples of what to do and what not to do when someone is messing with you on Tinder. The girl on the left holds her own in this conversation and is the standard to which we should all look when someone is fucking with us. Meanwhile, our mayonnaise friend is probably just super confused—try to be slicker than her!
What to do when… an inanimate object/non-human thing pops up in your stack:
Take a screenshot before you swipe left and send it to your friends. Double points if you’re superliked by a non-human entity.
P.S. Is anyone surprised Toast goes to RISD?
What to do when… your match says some lowkey super creepy shit:
In all seriousness, while Tinder can be fun and games, if someone is really creeping you out or even sexually harassing you, you can report that user. Information on Tinder’s safety policies can be found here. All in all, though, I highly recommend downloading Tinder. If nothing else, it’s great for a laugh.
Images via Jokichi Matsubara ’18 and anonymous Brown students.