The housing lottery was on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of last week, and it was a weird experience for everyone. Total randomness is the only way to make the system fair and equal, so I was in love with the idea of a lottery for assigning the on-campus living spaces. Until my group got a bad number. Now I literally can’t get over what a massive injustice all of this is. But that’s okay. I’m a fighter and a survivor—and I know that many other people who didn’t do very well in the lottery are too—so I’ve compiled a list of other hidden housing options you might consider opting for instead of whatever place you actually got stuck with.
The Peanut Butter Cupboard in the V-Dub
Pro: It’s got a great location and the only living expense is restocking the peanut butter.
Pro: You can easily beat your roommates at beer pong because they’re peanut butter.
Con: You’d better not have a peanut allergy because all your roommates will be peanut butter.
The Faunce Arch
Pro: If you grow a beard and call yourself “The Faunce Troll”, you can make passersby give you money and answer riddles.
Con: There’ll be tons of foot traffic through the center of your bedroom, so don’t expect to get much homework done.
Pro: No one will question why you spend all of your time there.
Con: You’ll be surrounded by stressed people at all times.
Christina Paxson’s House
Pro: It’s well-furnished and beautifully decorated.
Con: You can’t let her know you live there.
Pro: She has two really cute dogs.
Con: The dogs will rat you out in a second if they find you.
Pro: I bet she has HBO Go.
Top Floor of the Sci-Li
Pro: You can do the Sci-Li challenge every night.
Con: Liver damage.
Zara, the Providence Place Mall
Pro: If you stand still, everyone will think you’re a mannequin.
Con: Random people will try on your clothes.
Pro: If you just wear ugly clothing, no one will actually buy it off you.
Con: Except maybe dads.
Behind the Windows in the Biomed Center
Pro: No one can see you in there.
Con: Changing clothes will still be SUPER uncomfortable.
The Sidewalk next to Perkins
Con: No running water
Con: No electricity
Con: No shelter from the elements
Pro: Approximately 20 feet closer to campus than Perkins
Images via Emily Scherer.