So we’re knee-deep into what the kids call “Cuffing Season.” It’s cold, it’s dark, and the nights spent alone in the Sci Li sobbing into your essay can get to you pretty quickly. Is it any surprise that so many us feel the urge to find a partner, someone to hold us during these long, long nights? Furthermore, is it any surprise that so many of us have, as of yet, been unsuccessful in our pursuit? Never fear, that pair of handcuffs you bought before you understood what Cuffing Season means need not go to waste! There is a veritable bounty of other things you should consider cuffing yourself to, since loving human partners are overrated anyway:
The day is dark and full of terrors, so why ever leave the loving embrace of your cozy bed? Your bed won’t make you write essays or do problem sets like your professors, and it won’t ask you to put on grown-up clothes (or any clothes, really) like the rest of society. Seriously, in 2016, there is really no good reason to leave your bed, not even for food. Order Domino’s online, slip your friend a buck to pick it up at your front door, and you’re set. So attach a cuff to your bedpost and settle in for a well-deserved long winter’s nap.
Your Friend with a Partner
We’ve all got one. One of those friends who managed to snag themselves a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner and is constantly making you feel bad about yourself, talking about how much they love each other, how supportive their partner is blah blah. Why not make them useful, hook a cuff around their wrist, and soak up some of that love for yourself? As you watch your friend and their partner romantically feed each other meatballs on a date or whisper sweet nothings to one another on a bed of rose petals, you can pretend that this is your life, that all this love is for you. You can even slip your hand in between theirs as you follow them on a walk down Thayer at night, and they’ll probably be too in love to notice! And if they do, who doesn’t love a good three-way? Hand-holding, that is…
Gail at the Ratty
Just look at that face! Gail is a ray of sunshine in all of our lives, quite honestly giving some of us the strength to continue on when she graciously welcomes us to the Ratty. So why not be around such a wonderful soul all the time? Just imagine the look of warm confusion Gail will toss your way (in between her delightful greetings of “Hi, how are you?”) as you stand there next to her at the Ratty entrance, bound at the wrist? Ah, so sweet. And when you follow her home, simply basking in the glow of her presence, and she asks you to, “Please uncuff this from my arm and leave,” you’ll feel so, so loved. Trust me, this one’s a winner.
A Dog, Any Dog
The next time you pass by a dog being walked through the Main Green and, like any rational dog-lover, ignore the owner and begin to pet it, don’t let that beautiful creature get away! Attach a metal handcuff to its paw, and ensure that you and this canine have a long, happy relationship! Though you may at first face some resistance from the dog’s owner, once they see how happy you two are together, they’ll quickly agree to bless the relationship. Of course, they’ll still be responsible for feeding, bathing, and cleaning up after the dog. You are in this for glorious, unconditional dog love.
With finals fast approaching and the promise to “really get shit done next week” becoming emptier every moment, now is the time to hold onto your dreams for the future, no matter how hard the world is trying to pull them away from you. Want to be a doctor? Then you hold onto that shit, even if you’re about to fail orgo for the third time! Want to be a professional juggler, even though you can barely make it to your table at the Ratty without getting covered in juice? Then you juggle away, because details like that won’t matter in the long run. And if you just dream of being a happy, well-adjusted college student who’s not drowning in stress, then maybe you should read a fairy tale because that’s the only place I’ve ever found those. Or just grab a bottle of red. That works too.
And if these options haven’t persuaded you that Cuffing Season isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, then why not try out Blog’s very own Blind Bear blind dating service, which you can read about here. Of course, you could also just put yourself out there and see what comes your way, like this person in my building who definitely knows what they want…