This week’s (totally accurate and not-at-all-fake) horoscope


As all astrologically-informed people know, the outcome of your life, and more specifically, your week, is completely predetermined and out of your control. With that said, take comfort in the fact that the stars have it all figured out! While that might seem upsetting, let’s be honest, isn’t it a little relieving, too?

To make you feel better, we’ll give you all the info the universe has revealed to us, just so you’ll over-think all your smallest decisions. To find out what the stars have in store for you and whether or not this week is going to be your worst ever or just slightly sub-par, read on!

Aries: After the lunar eclipse in your zone of instinct threw you off last week, it’s important to stay grounded. With the sun moving into your sign on Saturday, it’s also time to be bold! We suggest making extended eye contact with that hot person in your seminar.

seminar class

Taurus: This week, take time to reconnect. Call your sister! If you’re really feeling daring, reach out to those freshman hall friends that you swore you’d love forever! If that’s too daunting, just stalk your high school crush’s Instagram.

Gemini: You’re on a roll right now, so stay confident and you’ll be on the path to achieving all of your goals. Not, like, your real life goals, but probably some smaller ones like starting your paper (read: opening a word doc and pasting the assignment description into it) or completing the Ratty challenge. Nice.


Cancer: We foresee financial gains in your near future. So, if you were thinking about calling your parents “just to say hi,” we would encourage you to stop thinking and do it. Your social life won’t be too exciting this week but hey, what else is new.

Leo: A few major decisions will come up over the next few days, with a particularly important one on Friday. Anyways, trust your instincts (but don’t blame us if they’re bad)!

Virgo: You’ve been focusing on yourself lately, which can be a good thing, but don’t forget to make some time for others. A friend will confide in you on Wednesday. She really fucked up this time.

Libra: Your biggest accomplishment of the week will be your FitBit PR. This is not a good thing. Sorry, blame Saturn.

Scorpio: Your inability to express emotions will actually serve you well this week when you find yourself in a particularly stressful, self-doubt-triggering, potentially heart-rate-raising conversation during office hours that would make a weaker soul cry. Congrats!


Sagittarius: Thursday is great day for communication. It could also be a great day for love! (It won’t be, because you’re you. But it could have been.)

Capricorn: Beware of thesis-related stress dreams that will lead to lack of sleep which will in turn lead to more stress. (And by “beware”, we just mean brace yourself. Because there’s nothing you can do about it. Aren’t you glad you had this warning? 😊 )

stress dreams

Aquarius: It’s time to mellow out after last weekend’s dramatic lunar eclipse. By mellow out, we mean do as little as you normally do, but don’t stress about how little you’re doing.

Pisces: This week you’ll ask for an extension on a paper but then still procrastinate to the point where you would’ve been just as well off without it. If your professor gets mad at the low quality of your final product, just tell them that according to the stars, there was nothing you could do!

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