The Hot New Thayer Street

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Last year, Brown students returned from the summer to discover that Thayer street had transformed. Namely, Baja’s had inexplicably duplicated and a new DenDen was in the works. But believe us: those changes have nothing on the alterations that happened over the course of the summer of 2017. You might like them, you might hate them, but one thing is for sure: you probably won’t even recognize Thayer Street as it stands today. The Blognonian has taken the liberty of compiling all of the new additions to College Hill’s center of commerce.

 

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Urban Outfitters replaced by the Newt Gingrich 2020 Campaign Headquarters

As the only Thayer Street property capable of fitting the former Speaker of the House’s head, Urban Outfitters was stripped of its retail business and vaulted into the future the second Newt Gingrich took ownership of the two-floor building. Lauding its high ceilings and proximity to millennials, Gingrich assures that the new headquarters’ modern, eye-catching, and largely appropriated design is sure to turn heads (and political affiliations!) When asked about his choice, Gingrich elaborated: “We need to reach these kids somehow. Appealing to their social conservatism wasn’t working, but then someone suggested that I wear a baggy sweater with Lana Del Rey lyrics on it. I figure it can’t turn out worse than last time. Also, people won’t be able to resist voting for my ass if that ass is rocking these BDG acid-washed skinny jeans.” You’ve got our vote, Newt!

 

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The Baja’s are back together!

In a heartwarming tale of forgiveness and rekindled love, Baja’s TexMex Grill and Baja’s Taquería have reunited and we couldn’t be happier. The beloved Baja’s brand split up last year, rocking the atmosphere of Thayer. The reasons they cited for their parting were infidelity and the overall feeling that the spark was gone from their relationship. But they’ve settled their differences after a chance encounter at a wilderness retreat made the star-crossed lovers realize that what they truly wanted had been right in front of them all along. Not wanting to sacrifice either of the establishments’ lucrative Thayer street locations, the two made the reasonable decision to just connect them with a sky bridge. We wish the best of luck to the Baja’s, especially given the rumors that TexMex Grill has a baby-bump!

 

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B. Good expands its imperial reach

Someone’s been naughty! Thayer newcomer B. Good, an eatery boasting all-natural burgers and grain bowls, made waves last spring when it replaced Thayer staple Johnny Rockets. But B. Good quickly realized that it wasn’t satisfied just living in Johnny Rockets’ carcass. In fact, B. Good decided that it needed to spread its quinoa-salad influence to the surrounding areas as well. Over the course of the summer, B. Good has annexed the upstairs apartments (pictured at the top of this article), the Berk’s shoe store across the street (now known as B. Erk’s), and Brown’s Biomed Center (of course called B. Iomed). Brown students hoping to concentrate in biology now have the mandatory option to instead concentrate in spicy kale studies or avocadology.

 

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Tealuxe begins intravenous Kombucha transfusions

In an effort to streamline their customers’ tea-drinking experience, Tealuxe has begun shooting their esteemed fermented beverage directly into the bloodstreams of those who visit the shop. The traditional form of drinking one’s tea in a store was deemed too time-consuming by Tealuxe’s upper management, who opted instead for a more modern and medically-involved approach. A representative of the store is quoted saying “Everyone likes the feeling of lightly effervescent tea coursing through their veins; that’s just part of the human experience. Our critics have pointed out the dangers of allowing bubbles into the circulatory system, but we’ve only had three air embolism cases since the beginning of September!” Interested customers can take it a step further by having the symbiotic bacterial and fungal community responsible for fermenting the Kombucha surgically implanted into their face.

 

 

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Prior to Opening, By Chloe rebrands as By Garbage Stu

College Hill residents have been anxiously awaiting the arrival of the acclaimed vegan fast casual diner for months. But the famed By Chloe founder, celebrity chef Chloe Coscarelli, was removed from the board of the company in July after months of arbitration. In a bizarre twist of fate, the power vacuum in By Chloe’s leadership was almost immediately filled by the hiring of a mystery man who ran into corporate headquarters with a knife just as Coscarelli herself was leaving. This man, who self identifies as Garbage Stu, was quickly made the face of the corporation. The vegan menu that made By Chloe famous was quickly abandoned in favor of Garbage Stu’s more cutting-edge vision for an authentic American dining experience. In place of the salads and pastas that peppered By Chloe’s menu, By Garbage Stu relishes in the simplicity of theit limited menu items: raw hamburger meat and Mr. Pibb. In a press release from the company’s new overlord, Garbage Stu explained his food choices with the basic claim that “you need the fizzy tanginess of the Mr. Pibb to wash away the meat’s flesh taste and slaughterhouse memories.” While College Hill will lose its opportunity to satiate those vegan pesto meatball cravings, it gains a one-stop way to fulfill your hankering for uncooked ground chuck and a discontinued soda that Garbage Stu himself described as “almost Dr. Pepper but without the hoity-toity degree. I never trusted western medicine anyway.”

 

Images via Kelly Carey-Ewend ’19

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