So you’re addicted to Insomnia Cookies. Don’t worry, I understand. How can you say no to gooey confections in an array of delicious varieties, delivery until 2 in the morning, and fresh milk perfect for dunking?! Unfortunately, society isn’t quite as supportive as I am. No, The Man wants to talk about “healthy eating choices” and your mom wants to talk about “responsible spending habits.” They say that fifteen cookies is too many and that you can’t possibly continue dropping eighty dollars a week on dessert. But you know what that really means—the world is against you. Fortunately, I’m here to help. I’ve got a whole bevy of society-approved excuses (lies) you can peddle to your friends and family while you get what you deserve: cookies.
This one’s a classic. You’re hanging out with your friends, watching some Netflix, when all of a sudden your stomach starts to rumble. It’s Insomnia o’clock! All you have to do is pack up a few books—it doesn’t matter which ones—and say you’re headed to the SciLi to finish some reading for class. Your judgmental “friends” will be none the wiser as you pass by that concrete prison and continue into the loving embrace of 307 Thayer St.
“I’m working out.”
Is everyone on your case about being healthier? Well first, screw that. But second, that means they’ll be even happier when you tell them that you’re going to the gym! Throw on some exercise clothes, find somebody who cares, and make a whole to-do about going to the Nelson. Tell them all about what machines you’re going to use, how many crunches you’re going to do, and how good you’re going to feel once you’re done. To really impress them, you can even start jogging as you head off. That way, when you get to Insomnia, you’ll have worked up an appetite, and that first bite of cookie will taste even better than usual.
“I’m investing in stocks.”
Perhaps you’re ordering cookies through the Insomnia website, but you’re struggling to decide how many peanut butter ones you should get. And then there’s the fact that if you buy 9 cookies you get 3 for free, so obviously you’re going to do that. Then, while you’re debating all your options, a friend walks by, sees you contemplating these serious matters, and asks what you’re up to. Tell them you’re buying stocks online. They will be so impressed by your financial acumen and the care with which you’re investing your money that they’ll forget all about the time they saw you carrying three boxes of cookies into your room at 1:30 a.m. They might even help you get your mom off your back about your “reckless spending.”
“I’m walking my dog.”
Friends have started asking you where you’re going late at night. They’re wondering why you never answer your door when they knock, even though it smells like someone’s in there eating a chocolate chunk cookie. Just laugh and tell them you’ve been walking your dog—poor Buster gets so stir-crazy at night! When they look puzzled and insist that dogs aren’t allowed in university residence halls, just laugh again and walk off mysteriously (towards Insomnia).
“No, you have a problem.”
It’s happened. Your friends are whispering among themselves and shooting you furtive looks. Then they send you a text asking to meet at 4:30 p.m. in the Ivy Room because they “just have a couple of things they want to talk about.” They’re trying to help you, they say. They want what’s best for you, they claim. So here I present to you a high-risk, high-reward maneuver that just might save you when this happens. Like Little Kim, you put your cookie down, flip it, and reverse it. Look at Friend 1 and say, “Wasn’t it you who came with me to Insomnia last night? You didn’t seem to have a problem buying three chocolate chunk cookies then…” Next, turn to Friend 2 and say, “I’ve noticed that the Insomnia app is always in your Siri App Suggestions.” Their faces will turn red, their eyes will bulge, and their hair will fall out in great chunks as they reveal their true forms: agents sent from Meeting Street Café trying to lure you back into the arms of a false prophet. You can take pride in knowing that you were stronger than them, and finally return to your Insomnia-loving ways in peace.