The Elusive Sadboi: A Handy Dandy Guide


Like a cranberry muffin amidst the mixed berry pile in the Blue Room, these perennially brooding, stoic, ukulele-playing, male-identifying people are in plain sight yet beautifully hidden. You’ll need to look in the right places with a discerning eye. Conversation will be difficult, so the right tools are critical for good communication. Here are a few tips to guide your search for the Sadboi:

  • Stalk the Quiet Green. He’ll be reading Socrates, contemplating the virtue of the girl **whoops** trees before him.
  • Camp out in the Ratty. Sadbois are commonly found at around 7:32 p.m., at a tall corner table in the front alcove, staring into the distance at fellow stragglers while enjoying some vegetarian northwestern meatball porcupine-quill lasagna. (Meat is murder).
  • Avoid the Blue Room. It’s too chaotic for this delicate soul. Try the couches upstairs in Faunce instead. “The view is inspirational.”
  • Take a daytrip to the RISD museum. Something about Impressionists just makes the emotions flow. Expect crying.
  • Find the corner couch at a party. He’ll be talking about his ex, who was simply so great. They had the best thing going, but just can’t be together. You’ll become confused. We are too.
  • Audit a Contemplative Studies class. If it is three weeks into class and you are still unsure what Contemplative Studies is,  find out from the Sadboi across the table in section. He will happily explain.
  • If John Mayer’s supple voice can be heard playing from a computer, sprint in that direction as fast as possible. XO.


Once you’ve made contact, here are some ways to start conversation:

  • “One thing I’ve left to do, discover me, discoverin’ you” (John Mayer is a saint!!)
  • “Dope haircut! Know any good barbers or salons in town?” His mom cut it. Nobody else is allowed near that supple mane.
  • “Can you play ukulele?” Please, allow him to serenade you beside Marcus Aurelius.
  • “What are you staring at?” He’s just thinking. Always just thinking.


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