Technical guide to partying at Brown

 

In today’s age of rapid technological growth, there is still one aspect of daily life where our familiar 1s and 0s seem to have fallen behind: partying. For many, the prospect of hanging out with people and grooving to loud music sounds great, but the idea of having to actually have “friends” or “connections” to know where the fun is happening isn’t as appealing. Thankfully, this is an easily-solved issue. Here’s a surefire way to get your social life up and running:

 

Step 1:

On Mac OSX, open Script Editor (found in Home -> Applications -> Utilities).

This nifty application allows you to easily repeat and access otherwise tedious processes on your Mac, and will be extremely important for the implementation of this solution. Just like a PLME, Script Editor is useful for finding parties, powerful, and impressively humble.

 

Step 2:

Copy and paste the following code into a new AppleScript document:

repeat

    open location “tel://+[PHONENUM]”

    delay 1

    tell application “System Events” to key code 36

end repeat

These short but sweet five lines will cause your Mac to, every second, call whatever telephone number is written at the end of the second line. However, don’t click run just yet.

 

Step 3:

Next, use this helpful website to load up the list of all cell towers in the area where you are. Within a couple of minutes, it will generate a map that should look like this:

 

 

Using this tool, you can find all possible frequencies that the cool kids’ phones could possibly be using. Replace [PHONENUM] from Step 2 with any of the possible telephone numbers that would go through any one cell tower.

 

Step 4:

Now, just run the script! Press the Play button, as seen in the image below. While calls to one number are going through, change the script to be a different number that will still connect to the same frequency. Then, your computer will make outgoing calls through whichever cell tower in the area you selected the frequency for—only stopping once the tower can’t handle any more calls!

 

Step 5:

The most important part of this process is to record how long this takes for each cell tower in the area. Because the cell tower’s capacity is also taken up by whatever other people are connecting to it nearby, it’s easy to tell where the largest parties on campus are! Simply notice the inverse proportion between time for an antenna to become overloaded and the number of people who are hanging out in that area.

Note: For best results, normalize data to account for non-partying population so that you don’t just end up going to where a large number of people live, such as Keeney, or in the shadow of their unrealized hopes and dreams.

 

United States Heat Map of Cell Phone Coverage Problems

Step 6:

That’s it! Bask in the glory of having a new and improved social life! If you really want, you can go above and beyond by actually going to the party location that you have so expertly deduced. However, I find that simply knowing I could have done it is usually good enough for me.

 

Images via, via, via, and by Elliott Lehrer ’21.

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