How Comic Sans will save your life

Comic Sans has long been known as an unprofessional, basic, and even childish typeface. However, this underrated font can be an incredible resource when trying to withstand life’s challenges and ensure a happy, healthy future.

The first way in which Comic Sans secretly saves lives lies within its childish nature. With the recent release of the CIA’s documents circa JFK’s assassination, we all have assassination prevention on our mind. It is widely accepted that assassins go for high-profile and successful targets, which, of course, most Blognonian readers are. However, by utilizing Comic Sans, there is practically no chance that anyone will take you seriously—thus drastically reducing the chances that anyone would want to kill you. The CIA did not comment when asked whether this strategy had been considered for the protection of President Kennedy.

Next, we must acknowledge that Comic Sans is ugly. However, far from being negative, this is a vital attribute of the font. Without ugly typefaces, how would we be able to appreciate all of the beautiful fonts out there, like Orange Juice or Wingdings? It would be nigh impossible. Art appreciation around the world completely depends upon a standard to which every other piece can be compared. Comic Sans fills this critical role. And by allowing more people to appreciate art, Comic Sans subtly yet significantly makes people happier. In addition, happy people are less likely to engage in humanity-ending world wars, so in this way, Comic Sans saves us all yet again.

Finally, a little-known but critical fact about Comic Sans is that it uses slightly more ink than other widely-used fonts. This is most likely because two-year-olds with colorful markers (the main design team of Comic Sans) do not care to what extend their scribblings are inside the lines. But no matter the reason, the font’s greater usage of ink means that a paper of Comic Sans text is slightly heavier than a paper typed in another font.

Now, we all fear the inevitable day that mutant turtles between the ages of 13 and 19 with ninja-like reflexes come after us to avenge our ancestors’ great rivalry. Many Brown students attempt to prepare by learning how to do karate, use a shotgun, or steal food from the Ratty without getting caught. None of these combat methods is as efficient, however, as taking advantage of the turtles’ greatest weakness: their care for the environment. These terrifying teenage turtles will, without exception, pick up whatever pieces of trash they encounter along their path of conquest. Thus, if you were to hastily lay a Times New Roman trap of thousands of pieces of paper, the turtles would pick them all up extremely quickly and continue on their hunt. With Comic Sans, however, the tables turn. The extra ink means that each page will be slightly heavier, and, therefore, more difficult to pick up. This demand for extra effort will take its toll, eventually slowing the turtle’s quest for environmental justice so much that you’ll have ample time to escape, and you’ll never have to deal with those pesky turtles again.

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