In-class workouts: First-year seminar edition

This entry is part 2 of 2 in the series How to lose your freshman fifteen


We’re back with another installment of how to lose your freshman fifteen! Last time, we covered how to sneak in those workouts during big lecture hall classes. Now, we’ll teach you some more subtle exercises for small seminar classes. So sit down in that seat you so valiantly fought for in the bloodbath of pre-registration and try out some of these calorie-crushing exercises. (Again, it’s just like a drinking game, except with medicine balls instead of fireball and tears instead of beers.)


Pre-Class Warm-Up: When you arrive at J Walter Wilson about a minute before the beginning of your class on the fifth floor and you really don’t need another judgmental glare from your professor, sprint up the stairs! Come on, you know you won’t make it if you wait for the elevator. Just make sure to sit by a window to air yourself out because, let’s face it, there are only seventeen people here and you really don’t need to be making enemies.




Exercise 1: When the kid next to you totally steals your highly intellectual comment*, do five horizontal arm swings.


Twist ninety degrees in your chair and start with your dominant arm out to the side, palm facing in. Swing your arm in until it is across your chest, keeping it parallel with the ground. Increase speed, intensity, and proximity to the culprit as needed.


Exercise 2: When your teacher asks you to pair up and then share with the class but neither of you were listening and you both have zero idea what to do, complete ten partner sit ups.


Swivel so the back of your chair is on your side and touch the top of your head to the top of your partner’s head. Grab your partner’s right hand with your right hand and then their left hand with your left hand underneath. Lean back until you are supporting each other. When you can’t go back any further, spring up as quickly as you can to your original position, with your heads touching. Voila—you just experienced a Mind Meld! Now you won’t have to discuss your thoughts with each other because the two of you will automatically think as one mind! The power of exercise, everyone; it’s hard to believe sometimes.**




Exercise 3: When you realize someone has talked for a half hour about current Russian relations with the US without actually saying anything of substance but your professor keeps nodding along like this crap is the best thing since Plato but you haven’t done the reading so you can’t say anything but you do really want everyone to stop nodding along to fucking Greg with his soliloquy about his crazy conspiracy theories on Putin’s secret agenda: One chandelier swing.*****


Jump up onto the table that you all share in this communist classroom and get into a squat. When you’re ready, leap onto the chandelier and swing your legs as hard as you can for the best (and probably last) leg workout of your life. If you want to go the extra mile, let go of the chandelier and shoot through the window. Aim for the roof of the students center (trust me, I have spent a lot of time staring out that window and I am almost positive it can be done). We promise you’ll never gain another pound in your entire life!




*Okay, so maybe what you were thinking wasn’t quite on that level just yet, but given some time you would have totally gotten there.


**But you should totally believe me because I’m a Neuroscience Concentrator.***


***Okay maybe not but I went to one class during shopping period and I’m pretty sure I got the gist.


*****Only really works in that one classroom.


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