A definitive ranking of Nelson fitness classes based on the creativity of their names

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Are you looking to stay in shape this winter, despite the growing urge to bury yourself under blankets in your dorm room and hide until Spring Weekend? Then look no further than our own Nelson Fitness Center, where all Brown students get four free classes a month. Read on for a list of some of the group fitness classes offered by the Nelson, ranked by the creativity of their names:

 

1. Ab Attack

This aggressively alliterative class has no description on the Nelson’s website. Will your abs be attacked? Will you attack someone else with your abs? Will someone attack you with their abs? The only way you’ll find out is if you attend the class. For its intrigue, we rank Ab Attack first on our list.

 

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2. Body Sculpt

The name of this fitness class recalls the famed Renaissance sculptor Michelangelo. If you want your body to look as fit and toned as Michelangelo’s David, then this is the fitness class for you.

 

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3. Drums Alive

The personification in this class’s name brings Drums Alive to number three on our list. The mystery surrounding how, exactly, a musical instrument will be involved in your exercise also contributes to this class’s high ranking.

 

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4. Barre Burn

Another fitness class with some solid alliteration game. And is the “burn” in the name literal or figurative? According to the Nelson’s website, this is a “leg intensive workout,” so the burn is probably metaphorical. Probably.

 

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5. Butts & Guts

The rhyme scheme in this class’s name would normally place it toward the top of the list. The lack of specificity as to which guts will be exercised, however, places this class toward the bottom.

 

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6. BodyPump

There is no mention of which specific body parts you will be pumping during this class, which is disappointing and slightly confusing. The Nelson’s website claims that this “total body workout” is for those looking for “scientifically proven moves and techniques,” so this is the class for you, STEM concentrators!

 

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